India

• Where cows rate higher than women
• Or … if I get my boobs grabbed once more I’ll be stuck in jail for GBH
• Or … not sure there’s enough Immodium in the country to last me
• Or …

Well, the list is fairly endless, I will explain that a lot of my negativity is down, I think, to traveller’s fatigue. Only so much one brain can take in without saying: stop, no more! It’s got to be bad when you’re not awe inspired by the Taj Mahal or (according to a lot of other visitors) not taken in by the spirituality of the country.

So where to start? What is it about India that’s affected me so? People do say it is one of the hardest countries to travel in, especially being a lone female. That I’m brave - I reckon more foolhardy, that I should go somewhere less adventurous, but I don’t see India as an adventure (that’s the fun stuff), it’s a whole cultural thing and that’s what gets people either positively or negatively. Not necessarily culture shock, but it’s certainly a culture adjustment.

It seems that the ‘spiritual’ people here are the worst scammers, touts and boob grabbers, I may think this because I reckon that spiritual people should be the more honest of folk. From brahmins in one the most respected Shiva temples in India to sufi mystics to sadhus all seem out to get something for themselves, it’s a man eat woman world out there and heaven help you if you’re female, single, white, travelling alone, blonde … and there must be something wrong with you if you’re not married and have children at my advancing age.

I’ll mention elsewhere in this blog that I’ve found travelling can result in trusting people on the first meeting and I’ve not had any problems with that, but in India it all goes out the window. My rule of thumb has become not to trust anyone, even other travellers as they can be as bad as locals. I’m not naïve and am cynical, yet they are buggers for taking a small sign of civility, politeness and twisting it into something horrible.

I should apologise to Germans at this point, I’ve used the language to hide the fact I’m English and not necessarily been polite with my German. I’ve got away with it as people think I’m German when they see me or Australian when I speak English, or sometimes Dutch or Swedish, but rarely, or so rarely do people think I’m British. I’ve gotten away with being French too, Swiss a couple of times and heaven knows how, but Spanish. Anything but British, which can so easily lead to a conversation and then the sell…

The stares I can cope with and it is a country of starers. One guy I met said it must be how a celebrity feels walking down the street, the way people stop, stare and then follow you walking past with their eyes. In Trichy, a German guy and I even had a group of locals surrounding us in a circle all staring, open mouthed at us. We couldn’t work out which one of us held the most fascination to them: him with his long hair or me being blonde. In the end we just blamed each other and attempted to ignore the gawpers. And no, wearing salwaar kameez, Punjabi dress or local clothes do not make a difference, doesn’t make life easier or give you any more respect. But it doesn make you less an object of their cameras. A full burka and face covering may work, but I reckon they’d still sniff you out.

Once you can cope with all that, then there’s the spitting, hawking, public peeing, squatting to contend with. Learning not to walk between the train and the white line on the platform, not because you’ll be sucked in by a train, but to avoid the streams of chewing tobacco being spat out the windows from sleeper and second class carriages.

Then there’s the open sewage drains, huge rubbish dumps everywhere, the sweepers who carefully brush down the platforms/streets then sweep the pile straight onto the tracks or gutters, the beggars (my sister, I need milk), the rikshaw drivers, salesmen, the boys with an uncle’s shop, the healers, masseurs, the lack of queues, the queue jumping, the pushing, the barging, the lack of personal space…

And I’ve not mentioned the animals everywhere, of course cows get free rein so they’re everywhere. You also have to avoid the dogs, wild pigs, chickens, goats, donkeys, camels, elephants, monkeys, oxen, rats but surprisingly few cats - chicken tikka anyone?

Once you’ve got your head around all that then you may get a chance to enjoy India, not necessarily relax, but at least get a chance to look around you at all the amazing sights, colours, craziness, smells and hubbub of a country that’s hitting a billion people all just trying to get on with their lives and make some money.